The Kitchen table

 Hey all! Hope things are good with you.   One of the first epiphanies was that how I allowed others to treat me was a direct reflection of how I viewed myself.  How I viewed myself was a direct reflection of how I was treated growing up.  I felt like a burden.  When I didn't feel like a burden I felt invisible...and the only time really bad things happened was when I wasn't invisible anymore.  Then I was punished.   I had no power over what was done to me and that created a feeling of powerlessness over almost every aspect of my life. That is called learned helplessness. While you have no power in childhood, You do in adulthood. When you are stuck in trauma it doesn't feel that way.   I had a very immediate experience with this idea in  high school.   In 9th grade, I was still in a bit of a haze.  My mom had been divorced from my stepfather for about three years and no doubt, I was still traumatized.  I had no plans.  I had no forward momentum.  I drew, road my bike and ke

 Hello Again. It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I've been working on my downstairs bathroom.  We are in the process of renovating our house one room at a time. This ended up being a bit more hands on than I had planned.  The handyman wanted 800 dollars to lay tile in a three foot by five foot bathroom.  I learned how to tile. I'm pretty happy with the results. Tiling is pretty tricky.  If you don't lay it from the center, things can get wonky pretty quickly.  Before you know it, it looks like a blind, drunken idiot slapped tile down and glued it to the subfloor.   There are a lot of rules involved.   I was never a rule person.   It probably comes from being so heavily controlled until the age of 12.  I lose all patience about a minute into a recitation of 'why I must do something'.   Or at least I used to. Traditions had a similar feel to me.   It felt like another must do.  Somewhere inside, must do's became must don'ts.   That followed me all the way

 hello! I was going to write about something else entirely tonight, but this kind of asserted itself in the way ideas often do.  I couldn't get rid of it. It was my latest epiphany.    Which is:  "There is no such thing as closure." It's been years since I had one...an epiphany that is.   This lack of discovery had a lot to do with the single minded focus with which I led my life for the last five years.  My previous epiphany was "Don't spend your life doing things you hate."  Which lead to my single minded pursuit of a passion I dearly loved.  Followed ironically( a few years later) by "never say never."   When the thing I loved turned into a nightmare.  But I digress. That's quite a statement, isn't it. There is no such thing as closure.   Let me tell you, it's quite a conclusion to come to.   These epiphanies never happen in an elegant or comfortable space.  This epiphany happened in a trailer camper out back of my mom's hous

 Hi! My name is Chris.  I used to blog over at a deliberate life.  Unfortunately I am now locked out of that blog.  I let it lapse and couldn't retrieve it.  That's okay.  This vibe is different.  I'm different. I am again losing weight.  Not nearly as much, but still a decent amount.  I allowed other portions of my life to take precedence.   I can't say I regret it. I am a much more well rounded person these days. I spent time getting a career and letting it go.  That too will be a part of this blog.   The career I picked was a confidential victim advocate for victims of domestic violence.  I worked in one of the most dangerous cities for women in america.  I also spent time as a hospital advocate for victims of sexual assault and rape. My realization after spending two and a half years as an advocate, (and a year and a half as a case manager in a safe house) was that almost every issue I encountered  stemmed from learning relationship dynamics that were toxic. Without