Loving yourself

 Hey all!

Hope things are good with you.

  One of the first epiphanies was that how I allowed others to treat me was a direct reflection of how I viewed myself.  How I viewed myself was a direct reflection of how I was treated growing up.  I felt like a burden.  When I didn't feel like a burden I felt invisible...and the only time really bad things happened was when I wasn't invisible anymore.  Then I was punished.   I had no power over what was done to me and that created a feeling of powerlessness over almost every aspect of my life. That is called learned helplessness.

While you have no power in childhood, You do in adulthood. When you are stuck in trauma it doesn't feel that way.  

I had a very immediate experience with this idea in  high school.   In 9th grade, I was still in a bit of a haze.  My mom had been divorced from my stepfather for about three years and no doubt, I was still traumatized.  I had no plans.  I had no forward momentum.  I drew, road my bike and kept to myself.  In my freshman year of high school I wound up in art class.  I walked in and didn't know anyone.  I sat in the only available chair.  I was at a table with three girls who were on the rough side.  They swore, fought alot and smoked pot  (one was pregnant).  They spoke to each other in sarcastic tones.  They spoke to me  the same way.  When they did, I felt accepted, but also diminished.  One day, the pregnant gal looked at me and said "Get me some glue'.   So I did.  I came back and she said "It took you long enough."

I sat down, thought for a minute while my face burned with humiliation...and thought occurred to me "Why am I sitting here-these seats aren't assigned".   I gathered my items and moved straight behind me.- To the jock table.  There was One stunned football player and two cheerleaders.  They stared at me in silence and I said "Can I sit here?'  

They said "Sure!"  

I was harrassed in the hallway for two weeks after.  I really pissed them off.  You piss people off when you set boundaries but....

My trajectory  changed.  I'm not saying that the jocks were better than the tough girls...I'm saying these jocks were better.  

They were motivated honor roll students.  They were encouragers.   They were kind.

Without even realizing I was making a choice, I made a choice. 

Why did I sit with those girls and accept that treatment.  

I didn't know better.

When you don't know better, You will find yourself in romantic relationships where all these encroachments on your time, your mind,  your spirit and your body don't even register.

You can find yourself in friendships that are more frenemy than friendship.

You will believe that the toxic patterns in family interactions are normal.

A huge part of boundary setting comes from the realization that you deserve to be treated well.  Many people don't believe that.   They have an interior voice in their head tearing them down every day...all day. I did. I had to stop eating to hear it, but it was there.

I'm fat, I'm a loser, I have nothing to contribute, who could love me?  When you feel this way about yourself,  you tend to attract people who also feel that way about themselves.   You tend to come from people who feel that way about themselves.  When you begin to change how you think about  yourself and how you operate, you will find that there are a certain number of people who get very upset with the change.

It's the old crab in a bucket analogy.

Any crab attempting to escape is pulled back down by the other crabs.

So you attempt to better yourself through education, or improving your vocabulary, or being more present in  your life...and there will be a toxic person ready to make sure  YOU KNOW that YOU AREN'T ANYONE SPECIAL.  

I have had some horrible things said to me in my time.

"Who do you think you are?"

"You're a bastard and illegitimate,  you're lucky to be here." 

and many more.....things I won't go into here...things pertaining to weight and my worth and if I should even exist.

You can spend your life explaining your existence to people.  You can try to make people see your worth. You can bend over backwards and turn yourself inside out.   But it will never happen until YOU KNOW YOUR WORTH.

I am not a hippy, but I do believe that the energy we put into the world and the things we believe about ourselves lead us to accept treatment from people that can be pretty horrible.  If  you are raised with abuse and trauma, it can lead you to believe you aren't worth loving simply because you exist...You are trained to believe that you have to earn it..and the harder it is to earn, the more worthwhile the love and the more worthwhile the person.

In reality, the right person...a healthy person...will love you for the characters and qualities  that make up who you are.  The problem is, that isn't the person you fall in love with because  you can't imagine who could love you.  If they love you with everything that is wrong with you...there must be something wrong with them. That is the trap I saw time and time again as a domestic violence victim advocate.

That is just the romantic relationships.

Your friendships can be even trickier and can be forged through loneliness and shared trauma.

Your friends can be your biggest cheerleaders or your biggest downfall.

Friends who have the same issues with self esteem and negative self talk  will not know how to process you getting healthy.  They may hand out backhanded compliments.   They may insinuate you think you are perfect or better than them.  You may feel guilty and feel like you are leaving them behind the same way you were abandoned or left behind. This can be very triggering.  Getting healthy is a minefield.  

Having a therapist can be very helpful.  IF you can't afford a therapist..the next best thing is journaling and finding and reading books on trauma and boundaries.  That is the route I had to take.  It's a long one. That doesn't mean you can't raise that bar today.  Even if it's just with yourself.  Say one nice thing.  Find one good thing about yourself and write it down.  Tomorrow find another.   Then in a week do one nice thing for yourself.  Take a walk.  Take 20 minutes to journal.   Drink some coffee and watch the sunrise because you deserve to see something peaceful and beautiful. When you hear that inner monologue droning on....I am stupid or fat or uneducated or not lovable....stop it in it's tracks.  Say "I will feel bad about myself tomorrow."  "Today I feel like I am a good mother or a good friend.  Today I took care of myself by walking or eating healthy.  Today I read a book or drew a picture.  Today I said no. "  Healing doesn't happen overnight. It's a long process.  It isn't linear.  You deserve to heal.  

Chris out.