Closure

 hello!

I was going to write about something else entirely tonight, but this kind of asserted itself in the way ideas often do.  I couldn't get rid of it.

It was my latest epiphany.    Which is:  "There is no such thing as closure."

It's been years since I had one...an epiphany that is.   This lack of discovery had a lot to do with the single minded focus with which I led my life for the last five years.  My previous epiphany was "Don't spend your life doing things you hate."  Which lead to my single minded pursuit of a passion I dearly loved.  Followed ironically( a few years later) by "never say never."   When the thing I loved turned into a nightmare.  But I digress.

That's quite a statement, isn't it.

There is no such thing as closure.  

Let me tell you, it's quite a conclusion to come to.  

These epiphanies never happen in an elegant or comfortable space.  This epiphany happened in a trailer camper out back of my mom's house.  I was home to see her because she had been diagnosed with stage 3 small cell lung cancer.  I hadn't been home in three years.  I've  learned the hard way to never put off seeing someone you love when you can...because they may not be there when it's convenient. 

So she called and told me.  I cried. Four days later I went.  I'll tell you this much.  You don't want to get lung cancer.  Every breath sounds like air through a crushed straw.  You breath with them.  It was strangling her bronchial tubes.  The doctor she had couldn't see her for three weeks. (She got a new doctor midweek and is currently finishing up radiation...she's much better) To be honest, at the time, I didn't truly believe she had three weeks.  Breathe.  Breathe. Breathe.  cough.  

As I sat there trying to soak up her company and staring at her face...listening to her voice.  I thought about all the closure I had sought.  My childhood was traumatic and painful.   By those two words I mean abusive and bad.    I have read self help books.  I have read about trauma and the brain. I've read books about boundaries, how to set them and what are appropriate. I've read books about what healthy affection looks like.  I've taken self defense classes so my fear of men would diminish.   I have had to rewrite the tape in my head with positive messaging. None of this was my mother, but it was her second husband.  I never fully realized that I was looking for the answer to a question that I had not verbalized.  

Why?

Why would someone do that?  Why me?  Why?

Why would she stay? Why?

Why does my mom have to go through this now when she has been fighting her entire life?  Why?

Why do good people die when evil people live?  Why?  

Some people say that God gives justice.  I'm sure that's true.  

Some people say it's so I can be here sharing what I have learned with you.

In either case, It's up to me to craft my narrative.

That's called reframing.  It means to create a new narrative from all the pieces of your story in a way that enables you to continue to exist without the hate and bitterness that can eat you up if you let it. 

So I'm texting  my friend ME.  She is my filter through which objective levity can be obtained. 

I was only able to be home for one week...and ME wanted to know if I was going back soon.  I don't have a lot of money so that probably wasn't going to work.  

Then she said "But you have a lot of things to talk out with your mom.'

In that moment I finally realized that I didn't.  

Closure is bullshit. 

 Even if I got a why for everything, what will it matter?  Will it erase it?  Will it excuse it?  No. 

What could possibly be said?  My abuser was abused.  I was abused.  I made different choices.  He chose what he chose.  I chose what I chose.

Will pondering the unfairness of life produce a new reality where my mom doesn't have cancer?  No.

Will more searching for an answer produce contentment and allow me to move forward?

It hasn't so far. I'm 46.  I'd say I've given this a go.

It's up to me to let it go.  That is closure...and as long as it takes for me to figure it out is how long the lesson lasts.  

You could learn it tomorrow, or today even.  But you'd have to believe it. You'd have to believe that there is no magical moment that will erase all of the hurt and confusion.  That it's just something you will have to work through.  That's its a part of your existence and your reality and your dna.  That while it did damage you, it also created in you the things you allowed it to create.

I allowed it to create empathy, and force of will.  I allowed it to create a determination to be a great mom and an compassionate human.  

He allowed it to create anger, hate, rage and abuse.

Call it reframing.  Call it closure.  Call it what you will.

I call it a choice.  In this way I claim my power.  I own my narrative.  I create it.  

I choose to let go.

Have a great night guys.

Chris out