Hello

 Hi!

My name is Chris.  I used to blog over at a deliberate life.  Unfortunately I am now locked out of that blog.  I let it lapse and couldn't retrieve it.  That's okay.  This vibe is different.  I'm different.

I am again losing weight.  Not nearly as much, but still a decent amount.  I allowed other portions of my life to take precedence.  

I can't say I regret it. I am a much more well rounded person these days.

I spent time getting a career and letting it go.  That too will be a part of this blog.  

The career I picked was a confidential victim advocate for victims of domestic violence.  I worked in one of the most dangerous cities for women in america.  I also spent time as a hospital advocate for victims of sexual assault and rape.

My realization after spending two and a half years as an advocate, (and a year and a half as a case manager in a safe house) was that almost every issue I encountered  stemmed from learning relationship dynamics that were toxic. Without boundaries and self esteem, many women will repeat patterns they've lived without knowing they are doing it.  Many of my ladies lacked even basic boundaries about their bodies and their emotional health.  

Many women who came through the safe house also lacked life skills.  They were things like cooking and cleaning, applying for jobs, how to show affection for their children.  They didn't know How to set appropriate boundaries for their kids, how to use discipline, how to give and accept affection and How to control anger.

All things I taught my girls how to do over the course of their 18 years of life.  

One of the saddest moments of my life was the night we had to depart a young lady of 19 with two small children.  She had physically threatened a staff member.  That was an immediate expulsion.

She looked at me as I held her child and asked me, "How can I know what I am supposed to do if I was never taught?'  

Good question.

I was gutted.  I looked into the face of the small child patting my cheeks saying 'bye bye...bye bye''  

and I knew if I hung out for 18 years, this child would be standing in front of me too.  

Once my girls were teenagers, I made a habit of spending time with them. Once a week I would walk or take a ride with my daughters and we would discuss.  We discussed relationships, and how to handle stress.  We talked about what abusers look like.  How they start and what the red flags are.  We discussed boundaries.  I started talking with them when they were very small. I took as much time to listen to what they thought was important as I could. I built trust and relationship. That way, when the time came to talk about the big things, they know they could come to me. I taught them to discipline their anger so it didn't get the best of them.  I taught them to look inward for their goals and to understand that only they can create the life they want.  

 I think all the time about that young lady.  A young lady who had no mother to talk to and no one to teach her how to be in the world.

I know for a fact that there are grown women out there doing the best they can, but are lost.  They don't know why their spouse sucks the life out of them.  They don't know how to make a budget.  They don't know why they can't control their temper.  I know, because for quite a few years, I was her.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't change anything.  One day I realized that the reason nothing was changing was because the person in charge of the operation was not on the job.  That person was me.  I blamed everyone and everything else for my misery. The epiphany of an internal locus of control was life altering. 

So I thought I'd start a blog about my day to day life and just discuss topics I would talk about with my girls.  Maybe if there is a young mother out there who has questions?  If there is an older lady who wants to know how to break patterns that have been thwarting forward advancement. Maybe you don't know how to make a roast chicken.  Maybe you don't know where to go to access help.  It sounds like  a lot, but life is a lot.

After a lot of thinking, I've discovered that all issues are the same issue.

It's a lack of belief in our ability to succeed.  It's fear.  It's not knowing how to begin or where.  You don't know what you don't know. If I don't know, you know.  We used to have communities.  We used to sit around the kitchen table as women and trade ideas, support one another and lift each other up.

I'm going to write what I know, you write what you know.  Let's help each other.