Rules and Boundaries

 Hello Again.

It's been a busy couple of weeks.  I've been working on my downstairs bathroom.  We are in the process of renovating our house one room at a time. This ended up being a bit more hands on than I had planned.  The handyman wanted 800 dollars to lay tile in a three foot by five foot bathroom.  I learned how to tile.

I'm pretty happy with the results.

Tiling is pretty tricky.  If you don't lay it from the center, things can get wonky pretty quickly.  Before you know it, it looks like a blind, drunken idiot slapped tile down and glued it to the subfloor.  

There are a lot of rules involved.  

I was never a rule person.   It probably comes from being so heavily controlled until the age of 12.  I lose all patience about a minute into a recitation of 'why I must do something'.  

Or at least I used to.

Traditions had a similar feel to me.   It felt like another must do.  Somewhere inside, must do's became must don'ts.   That followed me all the way into my thirties and forties.  

I never took into account the idea that rules could be for my well being.

That all created rules weren't to torment me or stifle or to oppress.

They create a pattern to follow so that when life becomes difficult, you have a procedure in place.  That way you aren't lost.

Ask any nurse.  What is the procedure for admitting a patient?  They know it.  Rules take care of the little things so you can focus your imagination and creativity on big things.

Always put your shoes on the shoe rack.

If you take it out, put it back.

Always say please and thank you.

As a child of trauma, another thing I never learned was boundaries.  I didn't even know the word.

I was first introduced to the concept of a boundary when I enrolled my oldest daughter in self defense class.

The instructor stated within the first five minutes: "No one has the right to lay a hand on you without your consent."

I laughed.  People had laid hands on me willy-nilly.  It wasn't even something I regarded...until then.

I thought about that.  I went through several stages of denial with that statement.  

When it comes down to it.  That statement is NOT SAYING that no one will touch you if you don't want them to.  Sometimes they will.  Sometimes they'll hit you.  Sometimes they'll touch  you sexually in a way you didn't condone.  When they do this, know that you did not cause it.  You didn't condone it and you couldn't stop it.  It means they chose to.

It doesn't mean this won't happen.

It means they didn't have the right.  It also means you should know that you have been violated and react accordingly.  

Our first sense of ownership is ownership of our bodies.  When that has been violated, it makes all other violations seem small and insignificant.  

Violation of our time?  Violation of our trust?  Violation of our sense of safety?

Diminishment of accomplishments, thoughts and dreams?  Of course.

Of course.  I don't even own my body.  

Really sitting down to take in any personal violations can be very upsetting.

In fact, it's enraging.  

And for someone who wasn't allowed to express anger...it can be pretty horrible when you turn that rage into anxiety and depression.  

Allowing  yourself to feel the anger and let it out in healthy ways is long process.

But your first rule is always going to be "I own my body." along with "No one has the right to lay a hand on me without my consent."  

Boundaries are going to be a really big part of this blog because they have been pivotal in my road to well being.

Feel free to comment below.  What are some ways you have felt violated personally.  How did you begin to gain ground on ownership?   Your experience is valuable.  You never know who you are helping.

Have a great night!

Chris out